TwoKids BlueOrange Studio
Divorce 360, Family & Friends, Parenting, Uncategorized

How Married People Should Talk about Divorce

My son was having a play date with a little girl in a pink dress. They sat in the dirt under the trees, making “traps” out of leaves to catch the fat, wet snails lumbering about the lawn.

I stood watching them with the little girl’s mom. “They have so many friends with divorced parents,” she said. “My older daughter asked, ‘Are you and dad ever getting divorced?’ I don’t know what to say. Of course I don’t think we’ll ever break up. But they see it all around them.”

She also didn’t know how to characterize the divorced parents of their friends. If she was too upbeat, if she normalized divorce too much, wouldn’t that make them worry more that she and her husband might split? “I can’t really make a black-and-white statement about us never divorcing when it’s so obviously a fact of life.”

Divorce does create a ripple affect in the lives of those around us. Our friends not only have to explain divorce to their children but also figure out which night we have our children when trying to make a play date, or ask at which house to drop off a child. If we’re fighting, that toxicity can spread to the play date, the classroom, the soccer field.

Read More
Divorce 360, Family & Friends, Mindfulness, Resilience, Self-Care, Uncategorized

Bounce Back from Anything

Three (or Four) Questions for Tal Ben-Shahar

Tal Ben-Shahar is a resilence expert who taught Harvard University’s super popular course on positive psychology, and is the author of, among other books,  Happier: Learn the Secrets to Daily Joy and Lasting Fulfillment. This fall, he’s offering a year-long course on positive psychology at the Kripalu Center for Yoga & Health in the Berkshires, Massachusetts, starting October 19. The class is mostly online, and includes two five-day retreats at the super-relaxing Kripalu Center. It’s designed for therapists, coaches, consultants, doctors, parents—or anyone wanting to bring the ever-growing research on happiness into their lives.

For those of us who can’t wait for the course, here are some of Ben-Shahar’s suggestions for building resilience in divorce.

Wendy Paris: What is resilience, exactly?

Tal Ben-Shahar: It’s the ability to bounce back after difficulty, to get up after you fall down. To quote [psychotherapist and writer] Nathaniel Branden, resilience is ‘our psychological immune system.’ A strong immune system doesn’t mean we don’t get sick, but just that we get sick less often and recover more promptly. Being resilient doesn’t mean we don’t go through difficulties and hardships. We do, but we go through them more quickly and bounce back faster.

WP: Can you give us some ways to build resilience in divorce?

TBS: Sure.

Read More
ToysTwin Design:Pixabay
Divorce 360, Parenting

The Life-Changing Magic of Helping Kids Get Organized

I opposed all screen time when my son was a toddler. But after my husband moved out, I relented. Specifically, I let our early-rising son watch “Fireman Sam” in the morning while I sat in bed in a torpor with my first cup of coffee.

Two years later, we moved to Los Angeles. Fireman Sam came too, my son continuing to watch him save the accident-prone residents of Ponty Panty early mornings from our post out west.

I hadn’t envisioned a parenting plan so inclusive of an animated firefighter from Wales, and later some crazy purple puff ball masquerading as a chicken. But my son loved them, and establishing routines—even around leisure activities such as a (marginally) educational television show promoting positive values—can help create continuity and a sense of stability.

Stability matters for children. Knowing what happens when translates into confidence and security, a sense of efficacy and control. Creating stability takes extra effort if you move, as we did, or if your child “relocates” weekly because you share custody with your ex.

If you’re divorcing and have joint physical custody, you can take the time to teach kids helpful organization skills. Not so organized yourself? Use the fact of your divorce as motivation to learn.

Read More
happy couple

Should You Log On for Love?

Many of us coming out of marriage are both appalled by and attracted to the notion of online dating. On the one hand—unlimited options! On the other hand, there can be a niggling discomfort when going out with people unconnected to our social or vocational circle. And also, why aren’t we meeting more people naturally? Why do we need to look online?

The bigger question for many of us: does it really work?

Social psychologists Eli Finkle and Paul Eastwick offer some answers. They led a recent study investigating whether online dating is fundamentally different than meeting someone in real life—and if it works better. Does uploading your most flattering photos and a polished, aspirational description of yourself clue a potential mate to your ultimate compatibility and vice-versa?

Read More
Divorce 360, Family & Friends, Parenting

The Successful Blended Family

Three (or Four) Questions for . . . Anne Brennan Malec

Okay, I am not anywhere near the stage of remarriage, let alone re-falling madly in love. Nor are most of us, at least in the immediate aftermath of divorce. But it hovers out there—the aspiration to connect with someone new, recommit, perhaps remarry. We’ve all heard the statistics; second and third marriages have higher rates of divorce than first ones. How can we be optimistic about our own romantic future?

Start by having realistic expectations, particularly if you have children, says Anne Brennan Malec, a Chicago-based clinical psychologist, step-mother of six, and author of Marriage in Modern Life: Why It Works, When It Works

 Wendy Paris: What should people expect when remarrying, with kids?

Anne Brennan Malec: The couple is in love and want to spend their lives together, and they can be under the false impression that their children will feel the same way. In reality, children are often confused and have contradictory emotions about the new family setup. Forming a blended family is a long-term process, and it is reasonable to expect some push back from children, who had no voice in your choice to marry. If you imagine that your children will find the transition to be more difficult than you will, you’re off to a good start.

Read More
1 2 3 5